July 23, 2012

settling down

We are now in week 2 of being five, and things are settling down considerably.

Hugo is lovely.  We've had an exhausting first week and some days when he's been quite the cranky pants, but he is still lovely.  In fact, the word I'd really use to describe it would be magic.  It's been such hard work getting to grips with breastfeeding and lack of sleep, but every time I look at him, I melt a little, and when his eyes lock with mine... I can't begin to tell you how that makes me feel.  He likes to sleep and is a pretty ferocious feeder, but he gives me a bit of time between feeds.  He likes to be snug, held and cuddled but is getting better at spending a few moments in his moses basket while I prepare meals or get things organised for bath time.  That said, even when he's happy to be lying on his own, I choose to hold him, because there's nothing like that feeling of holding your own baby, barely a week old.  He locks his gaze with mine so that I can only assume he's trying to tell me something with those big, big eyes that might be blue like his brothers' or brown like his mum's, either way, he's a fuzzy little peach.

It's hard though.  I wish I could make everyone happy all the time, the boys are so good but I can't do as much with them as I would like, and the tiredness, it's a fog that makes it all that much tougher.  And if you are a mother, you might remember what it's like when you are just dozing off and then you hear the static of the baby monitor and you know you have to get up for an hour long breastfeed.  Having Will home these first couple of weeks is wonderful and in many ways it's him that's bearing the brunt of the hard work - looking after Max and Ollie.  We were saying only this morning that we don't feel much busier than we were a couple of weeks ago, and in fact Hugo makes me sit down for a little while each day, either when I'm feeding him or just stealing a cuddle.  But we are feeling like we need to be that much more organised.  What helps is that the boys are already learning to be a little more independent and they don't seem to object when the reason we can't do something is because we need to help Hugo.  At least, not yet.

But the good feelings have taken me by surprise somewhat.  It's as though we are that much more relaxed with it being our third time venturing into baby raising and so we are enjoying it more and savouring as much as we can.  The first was stressful for me because I had no idea whatsoever, the second was good because Max was such a chilled out baby but we really struggled with Ollie being a challenging toddler, but this time... even though Max is now that toddler, and I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing (I've never had three kids before), I know Max will get over his tantrums, I know I will turn a corner with the breastfeeding and soon enough these new days will be over.  I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that we need to enjoy every moment we can.

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