March 3, 2013

going forward

Despite the flurry of the last few posts, it's been difficult to find the enthusiasm to keep the blog going lately.  The last couple of months in particular have been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster, my ever lingering anxiety elevated by amongst other things, changes in breastfeeding patterns, preparing for my return to work and coming to terms with Hugo being looked after by the nursery staff at kindy.  This last one is particularly tough, our happy little Hugo has never had a moment away from me or his pa, so it's been with considerable heartache that I've been spending as much time as possible with him in the nursery while his brothers play in the kindy, getting to know the nursery staff and the way things work there so that I could ease him (and me) into the idea of being looked after by someone new.

Such emotional upheavals from every direction seem to be taking their toll somewhat and to say that I am oft finding it difficult to cope would be an understatement.  It's been easy to write the odd post about this and that, the food, the funny things the kids say, but it feels my posts lack something of what I really think and feel, and that's not very easy for me to do right now.  So I think now, it's time to pare back a little.  While I still love this blog, the little history it already seems to have created and its ability to hold me accountable to get out there and enjoy life, I need to be realistic about how much I want to post and how often.  Some days I get anxious that even with a tiny number of readers, there's stuff here that feels so private.  Other days I can't help but embrace the internet and let it all hang out.  Mostly though, I do want to keep it going, marking little milestones and collecting images and feelings that I am trying to etch into my mind forever but over the next little while, while I deal with somewhat of a reset of my head and heart, posts will probably be few and far between, but still important enough that when my boys do read this blog in years to come, they'll understand and appreciate why I chose to document our lives in this way and will get to read more of what comes from my heart.  And like me, I hope they'll be grateful for it, too.

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